I can’t sleep. It’s like the London Tube in my head, all shit circling around… Yes, on second thought, it’s more like the New York sewers. I don’t feel right and my happy crappy life is infecting my work, my everything, and of course photography. I don’t know, is it really just me or has my work lost all the quality…everything practically. I feel like it’s a struggle to make a good photo. It’s not like all the other photographers who simply compensate up or down once in a while, and make great shots. It’s not all right. Even though I seem to be holding my quality or even improving, my spirits are going down. I feel more and more dissatisfied and disappointed with myself and my life each day… Silly, I know. I really have no reason. Having no life, no permanent job, a rich history of collosal mistakes and pulling plugs on my own life, and no prospects for the future, except for another hospital and a marine animal somewhere in my internals – that’s surely not the case. When I’m homeless, well, that’s probably going to be a good reason.
Anyway, I had a mission today. How do you remove a filter after cca. 5 years. The thing’s got to be cemented on by now, after it’s been through rain, snow, fog, mud, you name it. I tried oil, but the real answer lies in gloves. Rubber gloves. Amazingly, this time I didn’t do any damage to the filter whatsoever. Well, yeah, my second choice in such cases is always to take a hammer and smash the damn thing off my lens. Kind of goes with my selfdestructive nature.
I got more snail mail today than I got e-mails. I don’t think that happened like… well, since I got e-mail… That’s actually what got me thinking instead of sleeping. I received a copy of National Geographic Junior and National Geographic Traveler. Quite a lot of my photos in Junior, a nice feature in Traveler. But watching the photos … I can’t believe I have a feeling they are not good, or at least not as good as the other photos in those magazine. Can’t shake that thought. Probably because it’s true, in which case I need to start fooling myself again as quickly as possible, before I sell my gear and take off on a journey around the world… Hey, that’s not a bad idea! 🙂
Haloze Trail (National Geographic Traveler) – btw: these two weren’t published, otherwise they wouldn’t be published in this blog. 😉
Well, I’m going. I wish I could say it’s going to be a journey around the world, but it’s probably going to be a journey into the past. 🙂 I’m talking about dreams. I need to go to sleep. I’m not burning the midnight oil anymore. It’s way past that.
Zoo Park Rožman (National Geographic Junior)