As I sat at a table of a local bakery and gelateria in Ankaran I suddenly experienced a dejavu that continued for about a minute. I take it as proof that the entire experience is one of the most valuable in my life, because I don’t have dejavus of unimportant events or periods in life. Only the biggest ones.
It was no doubt a strange time these past few weeks. The choices I made were new to me and to others, but I believed it’s the right thing to do. I didn’t see where it’s all going, but I just let it happen. I guess I tried having some faith or something. And it turned out I was right. I arranged for Nina to go produce a great story in Sarajevo and Geneva, an adventure I followed through her text messages from the places she’s been and things she saw. Although I would really like to see my relatives in those two wonderful cities again, I decided to send Nina on her own, a move I myself had to make years ago. (The other reason was work and budget) It wasn’t to test her, but to provide her with what she needs in terms of being the photographer that she wants to be. It’s not about a break or the story, it’s about believing in yourself, your abilities, and proving to yourself you can do it. Little did I know how happy it would make me to see the girl who questioned her abilities do so well and work so professionally on such a big story. It felt like everything is just right… And it’s just proof. She’s been working independently for at least two years, although we did most of the stuff together, so this came as no surprise.
In the mean time, I started my megaproject and diverted my thoughts away from my own photography. You could say I changed in a matter of weeks. Whether it’s for better or for worse is something others should say, but it works for me. I took living in the past to a whole new level and I’ll even raise the bar later when research turns to actual production. It does give me a lot, but the real value of this whole journey comes from what it would give to others. For me, it’s just the ultimate illusion of life and the only possible move. But it’s always been my mode of operation, I just decided to fully accept it now and let go of the present and future. I like it this way. I can survive and I can even be happy. I can imagine a lifetime of open possibilities and just relax.
While regularly reading news from the adventure in Sarajevo and Geneva and feeling great, I continued my interviews with people that have revealed a great deal of information and observation of the world I live in. Most of what I forgot or even failed to notice. Which also applies to the things about myself. I have yet to figure out exactly what drives me in certain directions, up or down, and focus on going up. But this plan seems to be the right direction. And things just happen on their own. The recent short vacation at the seaside with friends, combined with the happiness knowing that Nina is doing what she wants abroad, was probably the best time of what I call my afterlife. The seaside was a trip down memory lane and my friends did a great job at recreating the past without much effort. I’m pretty sure it’s no biggie for them, but it’s actually quite a big deal. At least now. So yeah, I guess you could say I was happy for more than one day. Happy for Nina and happy for reliving moments I lost so long ago. The exact moments I need to add to my research as well. So I assume this thing might just play out perfectly if everything turns out this way. If I continue like this. And along the way, I might just end up where I need to be.
And you know what? I don’t feel like posting any photos. Later.