I don’t sleep. When I do, I dream. When I don’t, I dream. I try to put the pieces together to see the whole picture and I’m throwing stuff around and shuffle the information and trying to make sense of things. It’s bringing up an image that troubles me, but I guess it’s all good. It’s meant to happen if everything happens for a reason. I had it coming.
Sometimes we forget ourselves. If you’re crazy enough it can last for over 15 years and if you’re smart enough you can understand the terrible loss. It’s like being abducted by aliens and dropped down on Earth a decade later into an entirely different world without knowing you were away for any more than a second. It’s not easy to move on… I wrote about living in the past in my previous post. I had it all figured out. I knew where I was going, what I was up against… My plan was clear, but in a project like this, one’s mind changes on a daily basis as new information comes in. New angles on the same story, new understanding of where things went wrong or right. And things have changed drastically since that post. This is not the part where I get to live in the past. It’s the first part that takes me through everything at full conscience. With 15 years of blank space to fill the truth becomes a living organism, a shape shifter living in my head to give me headaches and hopefully soon produce an epic story.
We miss so much as we go along and seeing everything in retrospect can reveal hidden paths and meanings, but also bring up many new questions. Amazingly, the truth can sometimes be far better than fiction. Eventually, you notice parallels, similarities, connections, symbols, the uncanny and unbelievable. It’s like a well-crafted structure that goes beyond what we see. There are mysteries transcending life and all of a sudden you stop ignoring them and start solving them. If novels and films imitate life or vice versa then there’s a possibility that a part of your life is influenced by those uncanny elements and that they lead to a resolve of some sort. Figuring out how is more of a trust and belief thing than anything else. You can’t skip pages to satisfy your curiosity. And you shouldn’t anyway if you believe that you’re always where you need to be at that stage and that everything leads to where you need to be and those elements help you go there. You need that trip, because the story is more about what happens on your way than what waits for you at the end. What if there’s nothing where you’re going?
Easier said than done.
Ok, so maybe we are here on Earth for a purpose. But some of us, I guess, are just cautionary tales. Our destinies aren’t taking us to happiness, but probably to an abrupt end after we’re done showing the world the numerous ways of fucking up our lives. We’re a lesson in failing. Or maybe that one guy on the block who never did anything with his life. A friend of mine in a similar situation said: “When our parents die, we’ll probably have to die, too.” (No chance in hell we can survive on our own…) Maybe we’re the diligent workers who never got a good job. Or that girl whose life hasn’t really started when she fell ill and died. We’re all sorts of bad destinies personified.
Why cautionary tales? Ever heard of the phrase “It’s never too late”? Well… BULLSHIT! Your chances in life are over sooner than you think. It just depends on where your destiny choses to draw the line. You can follow every motivational rule in the book and you won’t get anywhere if your time is up. So listen to yourself, your hearts and minds and bodies. And just open every door that comes your way. Behind one of those doors there will be a path to where you want to go. To happiness, ok, fine! You’ll know it by the way it feels. And if you chose to wait or ignore the doors, then there will be less and less of them until finally you’ll be surrounded by nothing but walls.
Sounds like another crappy motivational speech? It sure does. I know too well that some people are never offered the right door. Regardless of what they do. It’s only when they do everything right, surpass all others and themselves and keep getting nowhere that they realize they’re different. It’s not meant to be. And all you can do then is put your hopes on some of the uncanny stuff and blindly believe they mean something. But it’s just another false hope, because – you know – hope dies last.
Sure, you can see meanings in all kinds of stuff. For example, I produced the majority of my awarded stories on the 21st. One of them even on my birthday, July 21. All the important people in my life are connected to this number in one way or another. It keeps popping up everywhere. And here’s the trouble with uncanny shit. You think it tries to tell you something. I don’t buy it anymore. It’s nothing but superstition coming from hope’s dying breath. Trust me, you go there, and you’ll just crash so hard you’ll end up in more pieces than a box of Legos. Now that’s the real motivational speech.
Be careful what you believe in. Hope is a dangerous thing. It does die, so don’t let it run out of options to survive… But I believe one more thing. I believe sometimes there’s nothing you can do, you just use all your resources. I guess that’s one of the lessons of this project, too. It’s not opening doors, it’s just an insight into all the doors that were there before. It’s a dead end now. No way back, no way forward. There’s no reality hope can cling on to now. The only way to sustain hope when you’re as far gone as I am is through illusions, and that’s even more dangerous than hope itself, so you just doubled your chances to crash irrecoverably. I guess it’s some sort of roulette, a poker game if you like. You go all in, but then you either lose everything or win everything… See, this is why you need to know your life better, because you can figure out when it’s bluffing. You also need to be strong enough to trust your feelings on this bluff and actually quit before you lose. Again, easier said than done, because hope and illusions are a very strong combination.
More likely you’ll end up in some sort of limbo, not acting on feelings, without any investment, no plan, nothing, caught in a bluff. Half knowingly, but not enough to do something about it. Shitty situation. Because the game ends eventually.
Anyway, there comes a time when you cannot run away from yourself anymore. If that’s what you did for 15 years, you have to retrace everything and find out who you really are and where you want to go. At least that’s the theory. I don’t think so anymore. You have to do it, if you need research for a book or a screenplay. ;) The amount of truth you get served along the way and the anxiety it causes is … well, enough to kill an elephant. (Funny fact: elephants never forget!) Who would want to do that?
How about someone who’s got nothing to lose? As I retrace my steps I keep discovering paths I could’ve taken and I didn’t because I simply didn’t listen to myself. I don’t know where they’d take me. Maybe nowhere, because by now it’s obvious I’m not meant to get anywhere. But I’d have options. It’s an important lesson. This is how you learn and start listening. However, I realized that listening now still won’t get me where I want to be, because it’s either not meant to be or too late. Regardless of the 21’s or dreams or whatever. It is what it is. There’s nothing more to it. And when you do a crazy thing like this, going for the truths and the whole picture, regardless of how far you fall and how hard you crash, there’s no turning back. I didn’t start this project to quit when things get critical. I want it to get critical. I want it go beyond critical. I want it to go fatal, because… You know, contrary to popular belief, the writing process of almost all stories doesn’t start with the beginning. It starts with the end. ;)
P.S.: Just noticed… If you count the paragraphs in this post, there are 12. And when I published this, wordpress told me this is my 212 post. ;)